For those of you wondering, yes Patrick Swayze's death did bother me. I had looked to him as an example of people who continued on after a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer and might even survive. There are so very few stories of people surviving this affliction, and I thought this was a very high profile case that held some promise for me. When I first heard the news I felt nothing much except a sadness that he had died. Within a few minutes though my blood pressure went through the ceiling and my peace of mind has been out the window since. I have had a lot of trouble concentrating, I have headaches that are pervasive, I cannot deal with much of anything that involves real thought and any kind of conflict overwhelms me whether I am involved or not. Without exaggeration is it as if I am being physically and emotionally attacked from every side. Dealing with people is pretty tough for me. I have become pretty much housebound. Mortality is once again in the room and kicking the furniture around and pretty much screwing my life up. I have had to resort to clonazapam, an anti-anxiety medication and follow it up with a couple vicodin for the headaches.

My wife was kind enough to finagle the cancer center to move my appointment up to tomorrow so I can get the results of my test before Monday. That might alleviate some of the stress I have been going through. I believe it will be good news but I will not be sure until I hear every detail. And then I will probably go over it all again and again until I can remember it. (It took me four months to remember the three chemotherapy drugs I was being infused with, and I was trying my hardest to recall them.) The details in the report tomorrow will have to be written down, maybe I can get a printed report.