I was made aware today that the cancer is resurgent, faster than the doctors imagined. No more slow indolent days of lazing about waiting for radiation to handle a few suspicious nodes. No, radiation is off the table and harsh, powerful chemo is in order. The lumps in my lungs and on my pancreas are growing fast. I am out of remission and into full scale cancer battles again.
I will continue the radiation for about 10 days, while they setup my schedule back to GTX, as strong as I can handle. That will only work for a while before the cancer stops responding. The end result is the cancer will win. Just when is the only question.
I am not worried or upset. I have been between the devil and the sea for a long time now. I am comfortable with what awaits me if the medicines fail. My only real reservation is that I hope is I would like to avoid months of agonizing pain before I pass. My doctors are pretty good about pain management so I think I am covered there. The oddity is that I want to do some things before I pass.
I want to do some glass work, maybe play with some wood projects, maybe do something of real beauty to leave behind. I have to think about all of this to make a plan.
Tonight I am as calm as tranquil pond just before dawn. I am relaxed, I have some great music on, just enjoying life. And thinking about what will come next. I have read so many things about passing, there are so many views, so much to consider. Now to find out how much of it is true.
More later.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Sunday Night Before my Radiation Treatment Starts
It has been a quiet weekend, of sorts. Mostly trying to get accustomed to the trans-dermal pain patch. It makes mush of my mind but it knocks the pain down.
Tomorrow is my first day of radiation treatment. I have some trepidation. It will be another night of sleepy confusion while I contemplate what is happening and what is going to happen. I will be in treatment until early April. "In treatment", what a lovely misnomer for chemo and radiation treatment that is going to cost me my hair, some weight, and do devastating things to my immune system. All in the hopes of destroying that which would destroy me.
I am in the fight again, just not a real fist to fist, sword swinging, gun wielding fight. One that is decided behind the scenes by forces and chemicals I barely understand. In the end, if I win, it will be just as subtle. I will simply live and recover, I will grow my hair back and build my strength again. No knight in armor will go galloping past, no tromp down a celebratory avenue by brigades of soldiers with adoring members of the public waving flags and banners. Just me, coming home to live my life again with the ones I love. No drama, no accolades, not much of anything really, just more life. Not that I could ask much more. Just another quiet life in a city of hustle and bustle and people caring for their own lives.
I will make my life in amongst all that and carry on. With my projects and my way of doing things. I just have to get through until April and see how it goes.
Tomorrow is my first day of radiation treatment. I have some trepidation. It will be another night of sleepy confusion while I contemplate what is happening and what is going to happen. I will be in treatment until early April. "In treatment", what a lovely misnomer for chemo and radiation treatment that is going to cost me my hair, some weight, and do devastating things to my immune system. All in the hopes of destroying that which would destroy me.
I am in the fight again, just not a real fist to fist, sword swinging, gun wielding fight. One that is decided behind the scenes by forces and chemicals I barely understand. In the end, if I win, it will be just as subtle. I will simply live and recover, I will grow my hair back and build my strength again. No knight in armor will go galloping past, no tromp down a celebratory avenue by brigades of soldiers with adoring members of the public waving flags and banners. Just me, coming home to live my life again with the ones I love. No drama, no accolades, not much of anything really, just more life. Not that I could ask much more. Just another quiet life in a city of hustle and bustle and people caring for their own lives.
I will make my life in amongst all that and carry on. With my projects and my way of doing things. I just have to get through until April and see how it goes.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
What My Immediate Future Looks Like
I just returned from my first meeting with the radiation oncologist. He laid out about a five or six week plan for radiation therapy that includes some chemo. As the procedure progresses I can expect some fatigue and nausea as the cancer cells die off. The chemo will be stuff I had before only in smaller doses and only one of the three GTX chemicals, Xeloda. Afterwards I will probably do a couple of rounds of GTX just to clean things up a bit.
Tomorrow I go in for a PET scan and a CT scan. Following that I will go in for a 'fitting' where they make a customized plastic film to hold me exactly in place while they shoot radiation beams at my pancreas. There will also be a test to find how well my kidneys and liver function so that if they have to make a choice they can irradiate one kidney or another to make sure all the cancer in my pancreas is treated. The radiation may diminish the efficiency of the irradiated kidney. The test is also a baseline to determine how much the radiation affected those organs.
After some serious planning and factoring by the oncologist over the next few days I will begin treatment next week. It will be five days a week for about six weeks, so no out of town travel during the week for that whole time. The prognosis is very good, we expect a full recovery, and will ensure that outcome to some extent with a couple of rounds of full chemo afterwards. (Hello bald man, again.)
I applied the pain killer patch this morning. What a marvelous difference it has made. Instead of being blinded by the pain I can focus on what I am doing. I can even sleep peacefully. A small thing to be sure but crucial if you trying to have a life instead of being bent double with pain all day long. I am hoping that now I can finally pay some attention to my projects and my life. Something I have dearly missed for several weeks.
Overall I am enthusiastic about this. It sucks to have cancer but I have a very good prognosis, I have a good medical team supporting me and Nutri-Nazi is here to keep my diet rigidly controlled and enforced. And thanks to Nutri-Nazi and her fanatical ways I will be doing the treatments 3 miles from the house rather than 30 miles away.
It is a bright and sunny fall day, I am going riding on my neglected Harley.
Tomorrow I go in for a PET scan and a CT scan. Following that I will go in for a 'fitting' where they make a customized plastic film to hold me exactly in place while they shoot radiation beams at my pancreas. There will also be a test to find how well my kidneys and liver function so that if they have to make a choice they can irradiate one kidney or another to make sure all the cancer in my pancreas is treated. The radiation may diminish the efficiency of the irradiated kidney. The test is also a baseline to determine how much the radiation affected those organs.
After some serious planning and factoring by the oncologist over the next few days I will begin treatment next week. It will be five days a week for about six weeks, so no out of town travel during the week for that whole time. The prognosis is very good, we expect a full recovery, and will ensure that outcome to some extent with a couple of rounds of full chemo afterwards. (Hello bald man, again.)
I applied the pain killer patch this morning. What a marvelous difference it has made. Instead of being blinded by the pain I can focus on what I am doing. I can even sleep peacefully. A small thing to be sure but crucial if you trying to have a life instead of being bent double with pain all day long. I am hoping that now I can finally pay some attention to my projects and my life. Something I have dearly missed for several weeks.
Overall I am enthusiastic about this. It sucks to have cancer but I have a very good prognosis, I have a good medical team supporting me and Nutri-Nazi is here to keep my diet rigidly controlled and enforced. And thanks to Nutri-Nazi and her fanatical ways I will be doing the treatments 3 miles from the house rather than 30 miles away.
It is a bright and sunny fall day, I am going riding on my neglected Harley.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Back in the mess
A long series of events led up to today. Pain in my gut, CA19-9s going up again, hospitalization for serious pain in my right side, and multiple discussions about my CT scans. At first my oncologist here wanted to put me on chemo, then my surgeon in New York said I should go back on chemo. I sent all the CTs around so every medical professional involved in my case could make their own decision. Last week word came from New York, very directly; go into radiation treatment now, immediately.
Today my wife got on the phone to New York and then to my primary care physician, and set it all up for me to go back to the local cancer treatment center and work with the radiation oncologist there, appointment set for tomorrow. There is no stopping Nutri-Nazi.
So there it is folks,my cancer is back and they want to treat it with radiation. I know nothing about the treatment or the regimen so I will be finding out as I go.
More tomorrow.
Today my wife got on the phone to New York and then to my primary care physician, and set it all up for me to go back to the local cancer treatment center and work with the radiation oncologist there, appointment set for tomorrow. There is no stopping Nutri-Nazi.
So there it is folks,my cancer is back and they want to treat it with radiation. I know nothing about the treatment or the regimen so I will be finding out as I go.
More tomorrow.
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