Best advice I ever gave anyone is "listen to yourself". Not just figuratively, though that is a good idea. But literally too. I reread my post of last night and I see why the changes to my attitude are happening today. I have also had occasion to view a film that tells the audience over and over again that what you think of things becomes the way your life goes. Apparently I haven't been thinking about things effectively lately. Late last night into this morning I had another occasion where I did think effectively and today the change is happening.

I had chemo today. My last scheduled one. But I also am that much closer to the CT. I got what I consider to be positive responses form my oncologist. We are both hoping for the best, but in the mean time he has said that most likely I am looking at a 6 week holiday from chemo. That is still on track. I can see at least a brief respite from chemo brain. And my attention to detail started returning however slowly.

I have a project that I am just starting to do some research for some people. It has me excited. I will get to dig way deep into thousands of obscure sources and data and assemble a picture that makes sense in terms of what is likely to happen down the road. I really, really like dong that kind of work. A redneck jack Ryan if you will. This is going to change the way I look at the world in many ways. For one, something to do. For another, something complex and challenging to do, and informative to me. That and the CNC milling machine station both took a solid move forward over the last several hours. I recovered enough composure to order some of the basic parts. Once my body calms down from the infusion chemicals I will light off the saw and start construction and by early next week I intend to have it assembled. The website, well, it will have to come about in another surge of effort. The products of my research should show up on that new site in a few weeks.

The upside is that the research project will likely get me social again. The other night I made a brief speech in front of the people I am doing the research for and got an ovation when I finished. A few people came to enlist my help in their interests as well. It is political in nature but my work will be fact seeking research for myself that I share with them. I am gearing my research to the intent of understanding where the situation is and where it is going. I don't care about political partisanship as much as I care about where and why the players are taking which directions. That is news people can use to understand the system. It is not just issues, it is who is driving the issues and why, what they can do with it that effort and what will likely happen despite their efforts. I intend to play that all to my advantage in terms of being of interest to people. Some people will not like my work. Some others will. But everybody will have a use for it. Least wise that is the goal and direction I will start in.

Meantime, tonight I go through another lost Thursday night of steroid overload. It is nearly midnight and I am cooking, no matter what I do or take it still rockets forward. No sleep tonight. Maybe by morning I can grab an hour or two. A few weeks ago I was on those same steroids when I though of the CNC milling machine, that is going to happen next week. that logjam got broke today, or rather early this morning. I studied the plans and made them stick inside my head. I have the picture, now I can make the reality. The research project is being defined and the team I might collaborate with is slowly coming together. Same with so many things. Listen to yourself. Tell yourself what to see and you eventually will see it and possibly make it happen.

My last scheduled infusion is in a few hours. It is after midnight and I am awake again. I don't know if it is the chemo or my state of mind that keeps me on this odd cycle of sleeping and waking. I know that the cumulative effect of the chemicals used in the chemotherapy can have some strange effects on the body and mind. But then so can a brush with death. I am awake and nervously anticipating the last session with my oncologist before the CT scan. That scan can literally change my life. I am hoping for a reduced size of the mass that haunts my every waking moment. The ultimate good news is that it is gone and they can't find it, no forwarding address, stuff like that. Reality will be less dramatic though I am sure.

I also find that I am constantly melancholy. That too may be a result of 'chemo brain' as we call it. Chemo brain is a condition of slightly off focus and forgetful, distracted and just ever so slightly detached from the world. I have gone into full scale withdrawal from the world outside my door with it or because of chemo brain. My friends don't call for fear of waking me or disturbing me. They have gone on with their lives for these last several months while I recovered. My experience has been for the most part solitary and shared only through this blog. I have introverted for so long that it feels like I have lived my whole life like this. Indeed, for the extent of this new lease on life I truly have lived that whole life as a solitary man, growing distant from everyone including the Nutri-Nazi. I try to talk to her but I have trouble expressing myself in full conversation.

Part of the problem is that I don't really know what I think anymore. Today was a good example. I have been struggling to get a website going and to build a simple CNC milling machine. I was set to go to a hardware store and get some components for the construction of the basic machine. I got so distracted just thinking about what to do that I ended up just spinning out mentally and getting nothing done. I actually got completely overwhelmed by a simple task like that. And the same with the website construction. I know how to do it all, the art, the colors, the layout, all easy enough. I just can't do it. Simple things overwhelm me, concentration eludes me. Inspiration comes only when I try to describe the mess my head is in with words in this blog.

Is my situation the result of the chemicals or have I simply lost the ability to carry on with life? I seriously think this is the culmination of all the things that have happened to me over the last several years, including the cancer. I have been meandering through life for some time now, the cancer is just the latest challenge to come along. I am seeing that I can overcome crisis and challenges but I cannot carry on with life on a day to day basis. Learning how to overcome that problem will be far more challenging than dealing with cancer. I have been left with no method of dealing with most of life and I have to, with no tools readily available, go about reconstructing that life in a new direction and with a new purpose. I don't have much of a history of doing so previously either, my life up to now has been spent reacting to and with the challenges of day to day life of work or running my business or my relationship with Nutri-Nazi, and under the storm clouds of cancer even those situations have dissipated. I have had no challenges in my daily life except to live through cancer, a fairly passive endeavor at best. It certainly was not anything intellectual. Pretty much a dead stop starting point for the rest of my life.

It is not like I am unhappy, more likely this is the point where in a movie the credits would roll and some cool sound track would take over. The audience walks out of the theater never considering that the rush of the crisis is over and the characters have to pick up with their lives and regain some normalcy amidst the scene of recent chaos, without the rush or focus of events to drive them forward. Yeah, real life comes crashing down and the mundane settles in. What the hell do I do now? That is the question. I am a cancer survivor, the drama is over, I have to pick up a life punctuated with a near fatal crisis and that life will never be the same. I can't just go to Barnes and Noble and pick up a book on how to carry on from here. Nope, this is going to be all ad hoc, made up on the fly, and with fewer constraints than when I was a kid. At least back then I had hormones to lead me seriously astray and into one mess after another. These days I have no such evil influence. More is the pity too. I could use some serious insanity right about now.

I have been blogging less and less because frankly the news is all good. My blood sugars are down to normal. I have been active and healthy. So, blogging about good news is boring.

I just started what may well be my last cycle of chemo yesterday. It is kicking my butt. Xaloda is a very dangerous chemical that takes a toll on the body. It takes my energy, my ability to concentrate and possibly several other aspects of my life down to a bare minimum. With luck I will be done with it soon, as well as the Thursday assault on my health called the infusion.

The plan from here is to complete this cycle and evaluate with a CT scan. My doctor and I agree that my progress as indicated by weight, blood sugar levels and so on are very positive. We will review the CT scan to be taken in two weeks and will probably adapt a schedule that will leave chemotherapy off the plan for at least several weeks, maybe more. I look forward to getting my strength and energy back on a long term basis as well as my hair.

Now a question I thought I would not be able to ask "What do I do now?" I have to actually start behaving like an adult human and go live a responsible life, and get a job or something. No more laying around feeling all sick and being lazy. Oh bother!

I read some employment ads today. I am not qualified for much of anything. At least nothing I would seriously consider. This is going to get difficult. But at least I am here to stand up to the challenge.

I haven't posted in nearly a week. It is complex.

I wrote before about the steroids that they give me with the chemo infusion. They are really starting to cause problems. They keep me awake Thursday night, make Friday miserable and then Saturday I thought I was okay but I still feel some effects come Monday. This week things got a new twist.

Nutri-Nazi is really having problems with adjusting to my situation. Yesterday it all came crashing down. She called me from her drive home complaining about numbness in her hands and feet and severe stomach cramps. I directed her to the nearest ER where she was admitted. After a night in the hospital and several injections to calm her down she is home. But we have to do something to calm her down after all the stress my cancer has caused. We are planning a spa day or three for her to get away. While I am doing very well, the long term stress has taken a serious toll on her. This is what they are talking about when they say that close relatives are at risk when caring for a cancer patient.

I am not sure how we are going to get this handled. The spa time is a calculated effort, but it may not be enough. I am probably going to have to enact some long term plan to reconstruct her faith in life. That is not going to be easy. Recovery for the care giver is not as plain and simple or as well documented as for the cancer patient. This will take some time.

That is all for now. I need to go make sure she is comfortable, maybe draw her a hot bath and maybe just talk.

Good night.

Life is what happens while you are making plans. I wrote about working on my 12 year old clunker on Monday, well yesterday I got a flat tire on my motorcycle. Had to ride between gas stations to keep air in it to get it home. Yesterday afternoon I took the tire off and put it in the back of the clunker.

Nutri-nazi got home and her car battery died so I had to take time to go get a new battery for her car. Got up this morning and took the motorcycle tire to have a new tube put in it. Got back and started to install it and saw that the brake pads were worn out. Ran to the shop for rear brake pads. Expensive, very expensive. Stopped at Sears to get 12 point sockets to take the brakes apart. (New thing these days is having to use 12 point sockets for certain bolts, time was six point sockets were favored, but no more.) Anyway, got the brake pads on, got the tire on. Then tested brakes, oops, pedal is all soft, need to bleed the brakes. Back to motorcycle store for equally expensive brake fluid. Bled the brakes so the pedal is all solid. Put it all back together and ready to ride. It is 96 degrees with a heat index near 106 right now. I am not going riding right now. I would have come back with the moisture content of a Cheetoh. Something you learn while living in Texas.

I am very dehydrated already anyway. My pants were soaked to the knees, my t shirt needed to be wrung out. I showered up and I will hide out in the house until later tonight. I am drinking water like it is beer. Wishing it was too. After chemo, then next week I'll have some beer.

I get a lot of satisfaction out of doing the maintenance on my vehicles myself. It is tough but I figure I am learning and saving somewhere near a hundred bucks an hour on labor, at least on the motorcycle. Only about $95/hr. on the clunker.

So anyway, tomorrow, another chemo infusion. Another Thursday. Then next week I have an off week. Such as it might be, it will take me until Tuesday to feel even close to normal and then maybe Friday I can really enjoy a beer or two.

That is all for now.

The interesting news for my blog is sort of short right now. Essentially I am doing well and my doctors are pleased. I am hoping to go off chemo to maybe a maintenance series at the end of July, or maybe no chemo at all for a while. That is of course dependent on a positive result of my CT scan. Just counting down the days to then. I am almost looking forward to my next infusion this Thursday. It makes a big difference when you know the cancer is responding. So not much cancer news. I have to remind myself that I may well have bad news and have to stay on chemo till hell freezes over as well.

On the other hand Nutri-Nazi is having her issues. The stress of the last few months has taken its toll on her. She went to the doctor today and got some prescriptions and is scheduled to undergo some tests for some sort of stomach issue, could be ulcers, could be an infection, but we do know she is having issues that look like she is worn out from worry. This situation has taken a toll on her for sure.

We had a very nice Fourth of July. Friday was relaxing, just hanging out in the house getting ready for friends to come over for the Fourth. They brought tons of food and barbecue. We ate till we had defined gluttony. Then we walked over about a mile to watch fireworks in the park from front row seats, nice breezy night and beautiful fireworks. Walked home and had some wonderful homemade key lime pie. Got to bed real late.

Sunday found me worn out and useless. The long day Saturday did me in. I had a problem with my car blinkers not working right so I tried to fix that. Too tired and no luck. Went at it again today and ended up going to the junkyard. When your car is 12 years old you get to know junk yards. Got the part I thought would fix it but it didn't. While I was there I assembled a new driver's side mirror out of two broken ones. I broke the old mirror getting in and out of the garage one dark and stormy night. The mirror was installed and the new blinker module was installed. But the problem with the blinker was that the front directional bulb had actually developed a very minor problem. I fixed that with some solder and all is good now. But I got to have some fun poking around in old wrecked cars for a while. It's a guy think I think. So is having everything on the old clunker working.

Over the weekend I read a lot. I read "Band of Brothers" by Steven Ambrose and Dick Winters' book "Beyond Band of Brothers". I read both books cover to cover. I need some time to absorb what the books said about war and life in general. I had seen the series numerous times. The books amplified some of the episodes I sort of missed the point of, but the books also made me think about what life in war was like. And a lot of other issues of life. And reading all that made me think about my time at war and some unusual aspects of life that occur to me while I face cancer. I'll be thinking about that for a while.

I also installed the CAD/CAM software today. Tomorrow I start cutting parts for my CNC milling machine and rounding up the other components. Then I will buy the controller kit and assemble it and then commence learning actual CNC milling. It will be assembled in a few weeks. So much to do. So much new stuff to learn. I am excited.

All in all I wore myself out so I am going to bed to read and fall asleep. Long day at the junkyard; day was even longer getting everything working just right on my car.

I have chemo today, as usual my days and nights are messed up. It is near midnight now and I am going to bed in a minute and hope to sleep.

The chemo episode was different today. My oncologist and I had quite a talk. He said I am a very unique patient in that I am tolerating a very heavy regimen of chemo and thriving on it. He is pleased that I am putting on weight, now thirty pounds. I am not so pleased. I want to go on a diet to lose it. I am opposed in this effort by both Nutri-Nazi and my oncologist. We'll see.

My oncologist also bought a motorcycle, some sort of bike I am not familiar with. But he said it had a wide back tire and lots of chrome and fancy paint. Probably not a road bike, more of a showboat. But we talked riding and we even discussed whether I could haul ass for Sturgis after chemo completes. I thought about it and ruled it out. For one thing Sturgis starts before I finish chemo and second the price had gone up significantly. Maybe another adventure will suffice. But I told him about my other trips to Edmonton Alberta and to Monterey CA. We'll see what I do to celebrate finishing chemo.

Chemo for me may end this August. We talked about the follow up, something he doesn't get to do very often with a pancreatic cancer patient. Follow up is a wait and see episode. I may still get noxious fluids dumped into me at times but more of a minimal dosage. He is going to have to research it, like I said, this is sort of a new venture for a pancreatic cancer patient of his.

The actual chemo session was a mess. They fought with the Medi-port for an hour or more before they put a blood thinner in to clean it out. Then to demonstrate that it worked they pulled some blood up into the test syringe and injected it back into my artery. Strange sight to see, but I have gotten used to a lot of things lately. I am a trained lab rat by now, experienced in all sorts of things cancer related.

My blood cell counts are still low, just not dangerously low. A comfort to me but a concern to Nutri-Nazi. There was little concern about my blood test results so we proceeded to dump highly toxic and very expensive chemicals into my body to ensure the pale green glow that I have made my own fashion statement. And of course the treatments all made me very tired so I came home and slept for a few hours. I got up and made up a recipe for potato and leek soup that turned out delicious, nice sauce and consistency. Now I will try to sleep through the night. No small feat when you have alien growths attacking your organs and toxic chemicals coursing through your blood stream to fight them. But I try, Damn do I try. Three day weekend ahead, got to mow the lawn, do some more maintenance. Maybe even take a long walk.

To do any of that I need to get to bed and actually sleep. Goodnight folks. I intend to make tomorrow another productive day.