Need to recharge some emotional batteries.

Ahh, ever the quest for knowledge. I asked my oncologist's nurse today about how many pancreatic patients she has seen survive. She is a very effective press secretary. She referred me to the National Cancer Institute for more information. So I went there.

I got the same old stats from that site, pretty much I'm screwed, I have a 5.5% chance of surviving more than 5 years. But I kept looking because basically I may be masochistic or curious. I found some interesting stuff that may terminate my shrink sessions. Turns out that terminal cancer causes stress in the victim/patients. Who would have guessed that? Well, once you get past the sarcasm it turns out that there are two emotional episodes that come to light. First, PTSD, that thing the liberals are all sure screwed all of us 'Nam vets is very real and comes out in full flower when cancer strikes. Yeah, you get all weirded out about terminal cancer and it begins to take a toll on you, imagine that. And the other is 'extreme anxiety syndrome'. For some unfathomable reason the web site categorizes them as separate disorders. As if being extremely stressed out over your own demise was supposed to be a soothing event like a Kenny G concert with some really good Colombian.

Yeah, I got both symptoms. Don't alarm me, don't do much of anything out of the ordinary. I may come unglued. No 'surprises' is a good idea around me. I grew up around four brothers, three of 'em thought it was fun to attack me by surprise. I learned all I need to know about hand to hand combat from them. I can go to attack mode faster than you want to know. A term that has bandied about to describe me is 'hypervigilant'. Comes from my childhood. And for the last several months it has been building in me. Since it seemed old and familiar I never saw it. Once recognized, I can deal with it properly.

So today I put a few more pieces of the puzzle together. I returned the book my shrink gave me. I may terminate the sessions. What more do I need to know than a few very basic facts about my life? Life can be simple if you let it be. So I have my glass of wine, a quiet house and Jimmy Buffet coming into my ears. I may load up a stack of Steely Dan and crawl into my cave for some solace. It has been a long time since this all started and I am running low on juju. Need to recharge some emotional batteries.