The excitement of the good news has worn off and the reality of life is pouring in. There are many residuals of the cancer adventure that haunt me. I cry at the drop of a hat. Almost anything will make me come to tears. I feel adrift in life, having many thoughts that would seem outrageous to most people. But they are very real to me.

I ponder living through a life threatening episode this late in life. The point of life can be lost when I consider my age and what I might have ahead of me in life. And then there are all the things behind me. The wonder of life that I had when I was younger was mostly gone by the time I got cancer. My days of courting were long since gone, I have been married for many years. We got the medical diagnosis of my cancer on our 25th wedding anniversary. The wonder and excitement of life had dwindled to the occasional times when I forgot myself and few a very few seconds wonder and awe could return. It slips in at odd times now, surprises me then it slips silently away before I can appreciate it.

There are so many books and stories that have been written about finding yourself after a serious illness threatens a person's life. They are for the most part embellishments of the real situation. What is real is that the ground beneath your feet has given way to squishy sand and you don't really know what is real for you anymore. Things get mixed in ways you never thought about or even dreamed of. Some of the little annoyances of life do actually go away. Other annoyances grow. The one that comes to mind is how much people waste their time, and yours at the same time. You see them everyday, bumbling along with no conscious thought whatsoever as they ponder the menu of ten items at the sandwich shop, seemingly unable to decide on this momentous and life changing decision of which sandwich to order. As if that decision would be of any consequence whatsoever once they have wiped their mouths and left for other places. To all of you out there, think of this next time you order food; nobody is going to die because of your decision, but you might if you don't make up your mind real soon. The people behind you are waiting while your minuscule mind ponders the vagaries of the menu, and believe me those people behind you are plotting your demise in horrible and unthinkable ways. They have a life they would like to get on with, while you apparently don't. They would gladly solve that issue for you.

Otherwise the wisdom of a second chance at life leaves many more questions than answers. What used to be a natural easy situation suddenly becomes a quest across new ground, the things that made your life move along so easily are suddenly laid bare for questioning. No, not just which sandwich to order, but "Why did I take that job several years ago?" and so on. What was obvious or at least possibly a given years ago now seems to be not so obvious. You do suddenly hear people in different ways. You now have exuberance for things that seemed nonchalant before. A baby's laugh, a peaceful scene, music you never had time for, all these things can change for you without your knowledge. And the people around you are not the same as they used to be. Yes, you do find yourself questioning yourself and your motives to your very core of being.

I need to go out and get a job because I am slowly going crazy being home everyday. Sounds simple enough. But the consideration of that brings on a question of what friends do you have to rely on for help in finding that job. In my case, there are few. I find my lack of trust issues have resulted in having few close friends that I can rely on in that situation. I struggle to even name three references because I was so distant from people most of my life. The big question is how do I go about changing the way I relate to people? Try contemplating that monumental challenge for days on end, and then watching yourself as you try to change your behavior. It is tough, very tough. Past that there are the challenges of finding a job that sounds even remotely interesting. It was so easy before, the choices seemed much more obvious, and many of them had to do with money. But now they are not clear at all. What used to be exciting is no more, what were values held close are not so much anymore. I changed and I wasn't here to notice it. I even considered a job that would take me out of town for extended periods of time, away from my wife and my home and my pets. I have spent considerable time thinking about my reaction to that job. I am quietly amazed at my emotions on that point. What do I want to do for the remainder of my life that might be even remotely interesting? That is a question I cannot answer at this very moment. I poke through programming books, I ponder things on the internet, and I discuss things with with my wife.

That brings up a very often overlooked situation about these things. What the patient feels during the crisis is not remotely similar to what those around them feel. As if them and the patient were on different planets while it was all going on. And they were. In different solar systems even. I find the conversations regarding these differences can get very testy. I know that I have to find another confidant other than my wife because we have almost nothing in common on that point. None of our conversations on that point have turned out well. Another observation along that point that I feel I should point out. When things look like crap in your life and you feel like there is no point in staying alive, that particular point has absolutely no relevance when you are really faced with death. It seems almost comical now that I could get so depressed that I didn't want to go on living before. Given the option of life or death, I have much more wisdom on that point now. By the way, whatever depression issues I had before are gone. No problem with being depressed anymore; at worst I am bored. Anxiety has increased somewhat though. Not sure why. Probably because I have so many questions and so few answers.

My next set of tests are two weeks out. I test 11/2 and get the results 11/6. I take nothing for granted any more. I feel just as apprehensive this time as I have the last two times, or at the beginning of this ordeal. In this game if you lose one hand you are out of the game. And pancreatic cancer is not known for having a sense of humor or latitude. Yeah, I am scared. I look around and there is no obvious threat to my life, everything seems so normal. But inside me is a little demon that may come raging back and end this blog unceremoniously. I have no illusions there. I wonder when or how I will ever feel secure about life again. A dragon lives inside me, I wonder if it will ever go away.