I was made aware today that the cancer is resurgent, faster than the doctors imagined. No more slow indolent days of lazing about waiting for radiation to handle a few suspicious nodes. No, radiation is off the table and harsh, powerful chemo is in order. The lumps in my lungs and on my pancreas are growing fast. I am out of remission and into full scale cancer battles again.
I will continue the radiation for about 10 days, while they setup my schedule back to GTX, as strong as I can handle. That will only work for a while before the cancer stops responding. The end result is the cancer will win. Just when is the only question.
I am not worried or upset. I have been between the devil and the sea for a long time now. I am comfortable with what awaits me if the medicines fail. My only real reservation is that I hope is I would like to avoid months of agonizing pain before I pass. My doctors are pretty good about pain management so I think I am covered there. The oddity is that I want to do some things before I pass.
I want to do some glass work, maybe play with some wood projects, maybe do something of real beauty to leave behind. I have to think about all of this to make a plan.
Tonight I am as calm as tranquil pond just before dawn. I am relaxed, I have some great music on, just enjoying life. And thinking about what will come next. I have read so many things about passing, there are so many views, so much to consider. Now to find out how much of it is true.
More later.
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ReplyDeleteThis is Glimmer13, aka NutriNazi in this blog. I never could get these sign ons and passwords in sync.
Blue Parrot passed away on January 6, 2012 after some weeks of simultaneously duking it out with fungal, bacterial, and viral infections. Of course, it wouldn't be just one simple infection for this complicated man. He was the love of my life, the joy of my heart, and the pain in my neck. He was my husband of nearly 30 years.
He fought this disease with all his might -- which was considerable. He lived life with incredible gusto. There was nothing he wouldn't try -- foods, skills, crafts, or potentially dangerous medical procedures. After a 20-year recess, he started riding motorcycles in his late 40s. He took up rollerblading at 50. While the Harleys did no harm, the rollerblading did put a titanium rod in his leg.
Once it was determined he was a candidate, my husband was anxious to get the Whipple and get on with life. And that he did! He had no regrets -- not about the surgery no the recent treatments. We discussed it many times.
We both felt we were given two bonus years of life together because of the staff at The Pancreas Center at the Columbia School of Medicine. He also got excellent care from the Cancer Center close to our home.
My Parrothead was a fighter until the very end. He did avoid months of agonizing pain. In fact, my tough guy was not in much pain at all until his last couple of days. He once told me that he had no regrets about his life; that he had no bucket list as he'd done everything he set out to do. While he did start out to create fused glass, CNC-cut miniature furniture and violins, and that piece of lasting beauty, I must say that he did that before he initiated those projects. I blame that oversight on his chemo-brain. He simply forgot all the beautiful thing he had already created with his own hands. And, his drive to the very end was also a legacy of lasting beauty and inspiration. As he would say in quoting a favorite movie of mine, "That'll do, Pig." And that *will* do. When he was right, my husband was seldom wrong. ;)