I am getting to genuinely hate all the extra stuff I have to do and all the 'loss of my life as I knew it' stuff caused by cancer. My activity level is so low that I feel like I am hospitalized. Yesterday I had to sleep until 2:30 pm just to have the feeling of a full night's sleep. My mental capacity is so low, no energy to think, not much thinking goes on. I have tons of ideas during the day, all of which trail off into nothingness before long because I just don't have the energy to pursue and expand them. I have to write it all down and then go back and expand each idea as my mind recalls some detail about the project. Same with all my projects that I used to accomplish in what used to be a day to get an idea and then implement it, these days it could take weeks, if at all.

The flip side of that is that it could all be worse, much worse. My sister in law and a friend both died of cancer in the last few weeks. I came close to dying already once, it could happen again. I have a very good idea of how vulnerable I am. I am walking a fine line between having a life and losing it all. Each time I take chemo I meddle with the chances of dying even more. More chemo, the higher the level of those toxic drugs in my system. The higher that level gets, the more likely I am to develop problems like gastro-esophageal problems. Blood problems possibilities are very prominent right now too, I have low red and white blood counts because of the chemo. My muscles are not rebuilding either so I am wasting away physically too. My energy levels are lower than I can ever remember them being, based on what I can actually do each day. And of course that goes for my mental concentration as well.

Today I go in for more chemo. More watching my hands turn that awful color of brown as if I had dipped my hands in artificial suntan ointment. My hands are strangely wrinkled as if they were exposed to some chemical that leaves them forever shriveled. My hair grows so slowly, and my facial hair nearly not at all. My skin color is awful, and it just gets worse with each session. I have a chemo session today and four more sessions after that before I am re-evaluated. And even then I could get nominated for more chemo, just a different schedule. Yes, it could go on for years. During that time I will be reduced ever more to the baseline, trying to infinitely define the point at which the cancer dies and I don't. This defines true ambivalence. Yes I want to live, but what requisites do I demand in order to do so?

I realize that I should be thinking about getting a job to help with the bills. But with chemo and my energy and concentration levels at near infant/child levels, there is no hope. Not to mention the issue of who would want to hire a cancer survivor? The stigma is immense. People have preconceived notions of such things that transcend their every moral value, not to mention what will happen when the medical forms are filled out. HR talks a lot about confidentiality, but face it, they are the gossips of the hiring process and I have no faith in their adherence to the rules. Even worse, having not worked in so long, I effectively have no employment history, no applicable skills and nothing to offer to a prospective employee. You see, I didn't do what they want to hire me to do within the last few hours so effectively I never did it at all.

I could turn that around and embark on a self employment gig. Anyone who has tried that will see the folly in that. It is not easy to build a personal business that makes money. Yet that is one thing that could give me the potential for getting my life back on track. I will have to search high and low to find just a few options left to exercise, and with my state of affairs, it will be as much luck to see it through as it is hard work to complete it. Bitch and moan as much as I might, the truth is that is exactly what I am going to have to do. I have the rest of my life and apparently a clean slate on which to build it. This should be quite the challenge.

Living through cancer is just part of the challenge. Living through the rest of my life is more of a challenge.