It has been several days since I got home. Every night I have been out with friends. I am amazed how many people have rallied to my corner. It is something that amazes me on a level I never imagined. I see plainly that my life up to now has been spent not counting on people and maybe that is where I missed so much of life. I can't really describe where it was that I withdrew from the world, at what point it was that I turned off the contact. But in the last few days I have seen something that makes me really want to live. I have friends who really care and I need to honor that. It will be the first step in earning my new life.
To that end, I met a friend of a friend who has a motorcycle but he has never really taken it on the road. Today I proposed a couple of trips that will be longer than anything he has done before. Maybe I can help him get some miles on his bike and really enjoy the road. And the places I picked are places that I would like to go to anyway. I also talked with another friend about this camping trip coming up. Just before my surgery is the annual camping trip (been going on for 20 years, I have been with it for five) and I need to arrange so I can go. A friend suggested we go early and do some shooting on the property of one of the other guys then head to the camping spot. Doing that gives me time at the camp out and some time for talking and just being outdoors. If you like being in a near constant drizzle and cold while drinking beer. I still have to negotiate with Nutri-Nazi as she wants to fly out that Sunday. She has no real feelings for the camp out and would sacrifice the weekend easily to be in New York early. This is going to be some real negotiations.
Nutri-Nazi, ever the poser of popular philosophical dilemmas has asked me what I am going to do to make this new found life worthy of living. I find the question somewhat passe as I have already determined that I have several things to do that will very much justify my new lease on life. I kind of resent having to 'justify' my new life. All I want to do is explore life with a little more enthusiasm and avoid the unhappiness that brought the cancer and the last year of drama. I will start with recognizing and encouraging more sincere contact with my friends. From there I am sure other things will present themselves without my having to put together a schedule and process plan.
It has been only a few days since the operation has been scheduled. I feel like a ten year old. A massive and threatening weight has been lifted from my shoulders and the promises are still taking shape. They will slowly coalesce as the days go on. I have ordered some books to pursue a few hobby interests. I have finally been able to focus enough to actually make progress on resuming a programming career. Amazing the clarity you have when you the 80% of your mental faculties back that used to be completely involved in cancer related stress. So many changes coming now, it will take days and weeks to develop them.
Seems strange to sit here in silence and not have my heart pounding so hard and my ears ringing from high blood pressure induced tinnitus. I hear silence for the first time in a year. Its the little things that you notice sometimes.
I say to any one who reads this. Put your coat on, go outside and look around and imagine that this is the first time you ever opened your eyes and really looked. It might just be a little change in your life. Because out here in Texas, that is where I am headed and I expect to see a world full of promise, just like a ten year old would. I am reminded of something I said many years ago. Age is relative to how old you feel, and I am feeling very young today.
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