Tomorrow I embark on my journey to New York to discuss my ultimate fate with a man I have never met. I know only his name but he holds my life in his opinion. I have sent him all the tests and reports that are pertinent to my condition. Wednesday he will likely render an opinion, the outcome of which will be life changing to me.
I can only think of one other time when such a trip was so momentous, the day I left for Vietnam. The feelings are much the same for much the same reasons. Life and death hangs in the balance. The difference being that when I left for Vietnam I hadn't faced death or battle yet. I have now been in trench warfare with rounds going over my head for nearly eleven months, I just can't shoot back. Even though I faced death every day of all those eleven months. When this first started I woke from every sleep with one thought, always the same thought, "I am going to die". Now that is all in the past, I just wake up and try to make every day normal. Not so easy when you feel like crap from chemo or whatever medicine you just started or finished. Some days are better than others.
I sent the disk from the last CT and the radiologist's report to New York so it wouldn't get lost or misplaced, or worse yet forgotten in the rush to get out the door. I have the deepest fear of traveling I have ever experienced. I feel vulnerable like I have never before experienced. This is a very difficult time for me. I just need to treat this like any ordinary business trip. If only I could.
In a few days, in a few days I will know more. I will post when I can. The rest of this week and next are all up in the air. Surgery is scheduled for next week, if I am considered fit and otherwise qualified. But it is all subject to change.
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