I am posting a little earlier today. I thought maybe the posts would be more interesting if I wrote them while I was awake. Today was not a good day for some reason. I had some pains in my gut. Spent a lot of time in bed. It started with nausea.

I mentioned nausea before but I would like to expand on my earlier comments. When you hear the word nausea you think of a queasy stomach, kind of green around the gills, a little unsteady on your feet. At least I do. Well this stuff is not like that, at all. The symptoms are very hard to associate with nausea. The first sign is that things don't look exactly square, kind of barely slanted in a way. Then a feeling of falling forward, but so subtle as to just make you feel like you can lift your head and everything will be fine. And then there is this odd feeling of not being right but you can't put a real source to it. Finally it has you just wanting to make the room stop moving around, even though it isn't. Getting up and walking around seems normal enough, but if you sit down the room spins an additional quarter turn or three. Finally the giveaway is that if you close your eyes you can't tell which way is up. Laying in bed at that point is quite simply one of the most comforting things you can do. I take one of the nausea pills the oncologist gave me and try to let the world spin away from me. Spent most of today fighting nausea and the attendant symptoms. Luckily it was a rainy stormy day so the thunder was a nice distraction.

I also had some severe pains in my gut. This is worrying. I haven't had these before. But as I have said before, you cannot extrapolate this set of pains to any indicator of changes in my condition. Just have to weather through them, again more pills from the oncology collection. Oxycontin is the drug of choice, and I am eternally thankful for it. It takes a while to work but it does work well enough to give me a feeling of well being.

Then the final and hardest part. I am still considering the possibility of my death. The odds are against me, my friends are all encouraging, I have every reason for optimism, but sometimes I just get tired of the struggle. I find a hundred reasons to go on, and late at night find that I need three more. I am constantly reminded of my situation in so many ways. My bald head in the mirror, no padding for the times I bounce it off some pointed cabinet or when the rain splashes down on it. Or when I lay in bed alone after my wife goes to work. Alone and nobody to just call out to for comfort. I have so little contact with the outside world that I feel like I am devoid of contact. As if I am in a capsule orbiting earth, wondering if those engineers down in Houston got all their equations right to bring me back safely. I wonder if I have kept up with my friends across the country, is one of them feeling left out of the circle.

Today was a combination of "will he make it and bet he don't". I want to start all these projects to give my mind and body a focus, but the other side asks the question "What's the point?". I am planting grass and gardenias and new shrubs and I intend to be around to see them come to be the design that I envision. I want to do some web design work. I am a programmer from the days of assembly code, kept studying all the way up to PHP and Apache for web work. I have taken web classes and I know I can do it, the issue is what is the subject of the site. So I have decided to make a thoroughly bogus website of just ridiculous products. Like electric rocks and square marbles, obviously pointless devices just to have a website to build. Then the mental darkness sets in and I ask myself if this makes any sense. You readers out there should be aware that you don't make these sorts of arbitrary assessments. You assume you are immortal, life will go on for you. I have the reality factor that says I may not have those weekends at the end of November to get this all done. Frankly I am a little tired of having to consider that factor. The point of this whole paragraph is seeking a way to align the facts of my medical situation with the planning of my life so that the bottom stops dropping out. So I plunge ahead with one project plan or another to give me a long range plan that needs a lot of work and time to get done.

I am working slowly on accumulating designs for the dollhouses and furniture. The furniture will be Craftsman from the 1920/1930 era in a turn of the century style house. I got some of the new tools in today. I am waiting for the 4 inch table saw. A few other tools I will devise myself. The beauty of miniatures is that you can build real furniture in a mere fraction of the space and without a lot of exertion. And of course. I am planning on giving these houses to little girls in the family. I'll build a few side projects as I get inspired. My way of favoring life over death.

Each of you go forward and see life as the great gift that has more facets than the most intricate diamonds, and explore as many of those facets as you can. Then share that experience with your friends and family as often as you can. Friendships are built with the mightiest efforts over years. Family is held together with gossamer strings between hearts and events that span decades. Life is built with a thousand friends and your family needs nurturing everyday. You have so much to work to do. I do too.