Well, my energy today is about what I expected after working hard yesterday. I slept late and then napped again in the morning. Spending the day cleaning the garage was enough to make me tired today. And sleeping through the all night long thunderstorm that resembled an artillery battle was no help. But I at least felt like I accomplished something and I can live with all that. I'll just keep at it to get those projects done.

I had some friends come over to visit me today. It had been so long since I could go visit anyone that we hadn't seen each other in months. These are close friends, we have vacationed together and he and I have had several hunting trips together. I say all that because he and I are fairly up front with each other and he asked me a question that opened some vulnerability of sorts that I hadn't really addressed. He asked if I had even considered not undergoing chemotherapy. To tell you the truth it never occurred to me not to go through it. But the lingering question behind it was how effective chemo might be for me, will it really be worth it? The true assessment of that won't be known until after this series of treatments is done. This chemo is really not much more than a clinical trial, there are few if any knowns in pancreatic cancer treatment. The true answer to the question is that I would have never considered not undergoing chemo, the real question that is more important is do I think the chemo will be successful. I think I see some improvement in the activity of my pancreas, my weight is steady and my blood sugars are getting more reliable. Those are possible indications that things have improved. The real truth won't be known until sometime in June, but I can find reason for optimism now. And I have to once again consider and understand how vulnerable I feel. Not a day goes by anymore that I don't think about dying, or more accurately, about not dying. Whether I would undergo more chemo, or harsher chemo, if I thought there was some good to come from it is still an unreserved yes. Just how long I might endure it might come into question though.

I don't think I am getting too obsessed with life and death issues here, my life span is still very much in question and it occupies a lot of my mental energy. The cause of my death here is not absolute certain, so the real question comes down to what will the conditions and environment develop into as this situation progresses. Pancreatic cancer is mostly a source of other cancers so my future is to a certain extent ruled by how effective the chemo is in preventing the initiation of another cancer. So far I have found enough optimism and reassurance to keep my head held up and to plan to carry on through. As long as I can make some sort of reasonable life out of what I am dealt I intend to keep acting against the cancer. I'll have to ask myself several soul searching questions in the coming months and not all the questions will be nice or kind. Some of the answers are going to be very devastating. This is the reality I brushed into today and will keep encountering it as I go from here. What will I do and how will I react when the news ain't so good?

Other than that today was more of the same, eating, checking blood sugars and so on. Nutri-Nazi is extremely helpful and is learning to give me a little more room. My boundaries are all violated these days so I get a little pissy when I get tired, like today and push back on the boundaries. But Janice has been wonderful. We are discussing the menus for the week and discussing who is going to cook and so on. It is actually pretty cool to discuss when and what we want to cook. We get a better understanding of what the other thinks about what we are eating. Seems we are on wildly differing diets though, she is being harassed by her doctor for high cholesterol and she wants to lose weight; I need to maintain or gain weight so I count carbs and eat meat. For me, deserts are also good as well as snacks, but verboten for Janice. Somehow in this set of conflicts we are going to find a way to cook together. Wish us luck.