Today was a good day in terms of weather and nice day to be alive. It was a very bad day for me because every time I slowed down and let my mind wander it came back to dwelling on my circumstances. I had thoughts of how it might be when it ended, where would I be and how would it end? I suppose it might have been the reason we have Memorial Day, to remember those who served and those who paid the final price. That alone left me very emotional, more so than in other years. And that highlighted what has been sort of lurking just under the surface for weeks, the vulnerability that makes me tear up at the slightest incident. I had first noticed it one day when I was in chemo, watching some movie on television. I forget the movie but I was in tears over every plot twist. Then I was just in tears. I just let the tears roll down my cheeks and wept for about twenty minutes. Janice saw it and said nothing. The nurses saw me and left me alone.

Today I was doing fine and then I just caved in. I was at the hardware store with my neighbor picking out some plants to decorate around his new pergola. He had been talking about how tough it was to imagine bringing a new life into this world and it was his responsibility to raise that child and teach her about life. A few minutes later I was alone with my thoughts and they went on to explore the end of my own life. The world swirled around me for a minute then I felt weak and sick. Death felt that close to me and I wasn't scared so much as just swept up in a violent torrent and very being still at the same time. The sun was warm and comfortable, the sky was beautiful, and for a second I felt my life slip away and it was gone. I have not recovered from that feeling yet, these many hours later.

After that moment I have felt something I cannot describe. Mostly a sense of sorrow but there is something else. I cannot describe it yet because I have never felt it before. Kind of a peace and kind of a distance from what my life was. A sorrow so profound that it can envelope the world yet a comfort just the same.

I look at myself in the mirror and I see a healthy guy with a future. Then today I looked at some pictures of me and Janice that were taken the day before I started chemo. I looked tired, drawn out and exhausted. I looked like I had lost weight the hard way, and I had. One picture caught me pondering something that was all over my expression yet hidden, it was obvious that my mind was far away on some very deep thought. The day before I started chemotherapy, you can guess where my mind was. Today I was where that thought was those several weeks ago. It has been almost 11 weeks since I was given the papers for an MRI and the diagnosis a week later. It has been the longest few weeks of my life. I am doing better physically but there are days every now and then that get pretty tough. Today was one.

A very good and long time friend is coming to visit in two weeks. I expect that I will drink that weekend. (I can because I will be off chemo and the doctor has okayed it.) That may be the time to let my guard down and let it out a little. We'll see.