I had an appointment with my oncologist today. I think it was to follow up on the rash episode, but I am not sure. I got the appointment time wrong so I went twice. It is not an issue because as luck would have it we live very close to the center. The second time I went over my wife joined me. She wants to hear every word every doctor says to me. Sort of like Miranda rights, because every word the doctors say will be used against me in the Court of Nutri-Nazi. Today she expanded her conspiracy and seeks to align the nutritionist from the cancer center with my primary care physician to get a firmer grip on my meal planning. She had conveniently scheduled an appointment with my primary care physician right after the oncologist visit so we could both be there. I have to admit, there is no one as genuinely concerned about my health as Nutri-Nazi and I also have to admit there is no one as grimly determined to control this series of issues. I am in awe and admiration of someone so determined and so able to align all these factors so capably. I would be kneeling in praise if I were not the subject of said conspiracy. I'd be screwed if the cancer was this determined. But I go off point here.

My oncologist and I talked about what will likely happen when this series of chemo ends. I have been focused on the date of June 4 because that is my last consult in this chemo series and the point when the MRI would be scheduled and the results evaluated. After pondering that date for some time I wanted to ask more about what might happen. The doctor obliged me and told me the score. Depending on the results, which he allowed would vary from no effect from the chemo to it having a profound effect and I was cured, we would adopt a course of treatment that balanced my overall health with more chemo in a list of possible treatments. He said that there is no definitive treatment for pancreatic cancer and no two patients really react the same to any given treatment. I could end up with periodic chemo for some time or we may find a subsequent regimen that produces a desirable effect and I can simply be monitored. I know this is no surprise to most who read this, nobody really thought the medical professionals would give up easily. But it was a comfort to me to be able to hear a sort of plan that included more comprehensive actions after the initial series from my oncologist. Even if it involved going through more chemo. Even for a prolonged period. I was able to hear a pronouncement on my future and it was not horrible, if not entirely pleasant. People in good health take their health for granted, I have lately lost that luxury. I need to hear concrete plans and such for taking care of these awful things. Just planning my life, getting an idea of things to come.

These days I am running at somewhere near one half capacity or less physically and mentally. I cannot do near what I used to do, nor for anywhere near as long. I used to work from sunup to sundown, building fences, pouring concrete, tearing out a garden or planting trees and bushes. For now those days are on hold. I cleaned up my garage Saturday and I was beat for two days. Even today I am still tired, tired to the bone. Cancer is robbing me but I am not giving up. I am learning how and when to eat, Nutri-Nazi is helping me with everything she can do. As soon as I learn to let her help and quit resenting it I can maybe find a meal plan that will optimize my energy and settle things out. It is not easy.

I am fighting almost everything around me, I am fighting cancer and what it takes from me, I am fighting the chemo and what it robs me of, and I am fighting having to rely on everybody else around me because I can't do much of anything myself. My habits and schedules are all given over to being dictated by some external powers. I spent ten years in the military, I am a combat veteran, and I never faced anything this tough to deal with. I have to give up control to get through this and I am having some trouble doing that. A lot of very bad juju to deal with and the only way to deal with it is to give in to it and work with my loving Nutri-Nazi. I'll do better tomorrow.