April 11

The awful truth of it is that chemo is only marginally better than the Spanish Inquisition. Even if it works it is a miserable way to live. Today I struggled to get my blood sugars right. Got it fairly aligned, I mean for my situation. Between 200 and 300 or so. That means that I feel like crap because this is as good as I am going to feel. Nausea, pains, aching all over, which is theoretically better than dead. And the food I get to eat is from the school lunchroom in hell. There is no flavor, mostly protein, and just plain awful. Not to knock Janice's cooking, there is not much you can do with a high protein meal.

My life is settling into a regimen of certain pills at certain hours, in rigid combinations. The only options I have are the pain pills, I can vary them. I try to limit how many I take because frankly I do not enjoy getting all whacked on pain killers, they ruin my frame of mind and make my body feel very distorted. Not to mention that they give me very weird mental states. This afternoon for example I took two pain pills and went to sleep. When I woke up I was convinced I could capture my nap like a picture if I somehow used my pillow as a camera. Waking up was its own weird adventure. It was like landing a glider full of cats on a windy day day but without disturbing the cats. I glided into the bed, bounced softly a few times and then stopped. That's when I saw the pillow and decided I could capture the whole nap in the pillow. You have no idea how easy it all seemed to be at the time, and so perfectly plausible. Cats, naps, pillows and landing on a bed that is a very long landing strip. It took me about 40 minutes to really wake up, during that time the world was a little crazy. So after I woke up my head is just fuzzy and nothing really makes sense. My blood sugar was only 300 so I injected some insulin and tried to get normal. Waste of time. My whole body is mushy and uncooperative.

I will be going back to bed soon because it sucks to be this loopy.