April 25

You have no idea how many times I have contemplated God and all that goes with that. I have contemplated God for hours, all night and all day. Near as I can tell under our Judeo-Christian system God is the one who set me up with this affliction. Some would say to test me. I don't buy that explanation. Neither do I buy this stuff about praying to God to save my life. God set this situation up, He can close it down any way and anytime He wants. What I want doesn't seem much of a concern. Not that I don't pray. I don't do the whole kneel by the bed and fold my hands and bow my head. That passed when I left childhood and realized that the world was a mean nasty place full of mean and crazy people. Instead I find myself a nice starry night out away from the world of hurry and rush and I admire His work across the sky and I thank Him for all that. But I don't ask for any favors. I trust him to do what he does, leave us here in this world to make our way without harming others in our quest for whatever goals we seek. And I keep my goals simple; comfort at night, shelter from storms, work to suit my abilities, food to feed me and my family. I don't ask for much of anything from God. In return I expect him to stay off the earth and not come down here and whack things up with Armageddon and all. We have worked that deal for some time now, seems agreeable between us even now.

God left a set of instructions. The Commandments are a very simple yet precise document. I follow them everyday. I set a goal along time ago, behave such that everyday I can look myself in the mirror and be proud of the face I see looking back at me. It has worked out pretty well for years. Follow the commandments, be happy with yourself, life can be very good.

As for what God has planned for me, I will let him carry through on his plans. I am not afraid of death. It is a part of life and I am ready for it. I have had a long run, some good, some bad, but all of it is my life. According to our beliefs God carried me into this world, he will carry me out in His time. No need for me to ask him to intercede. Besides, pondering the unknown and living through the biggest question of my life had opened my eyes and mind to wider things. Answers to most questions have come out and I see myself more completely than I ever have. You don't get that kind of clarity from a late night television infomercial. Not that it was easy. But it was made apparent to me, with no option to avoid it. I can say without fear of contradiction that I will never be the same after this episode.

So, I am at peace. There is uncertainty, but my uncertainty is just more palpable than yours or that of most of the other inhabitants of this planet. The uncertainty is what makes this so vivid and real. I see life in dimensions that are just not available to others. Sometimes it is overwhelming. Most times it verges on surreal. But it always resolves to everyday life again and I wake up for yet another day. I can't say I recommend this way of life. It ain't for the weak hearted.

I feel lucky in some ways. I have a reason to believe that life is closing in on me. I have time to contemplate the final scenes. I get to have some influence over the way things go as I leave. Or even that may be an illusion. These events may yet prove to be but another illusion as my life unfolds. How that might happen is if I live through this and see many more years of life. That would change nothing of the outlook it has given me. It might enhance it even. I guess the secret to life is to live life, to listen to it and believe it as it goes by. Pick up each day as it comes and embrace it, no regrets, no holding back, full throttle to sundown and all that.