April 24

I have had a few rough days mentally. Being reminded of my mortality has taken a heavy toll on my peace of mind. I had it pretty well stacked away until I caught a commercial the other day done by Ed Begley Jr. Not to fault his cause, a foundation is seeking a cure for pancreatic cancer, but being reminded of the mortality numbers for pancreatic cancer when I wasn't expecting it threw me for quite a loss. I have been three days getting over it. I have finally reconciled it and have it back under control. I think. I have to get through all this chemo and see where I stand. Having this mortal uncertainty over my life is nerve wracking. It intrudes into every minute of every day. There are simple decisions I put off or defer simply because I don't have any idea of how this is going to go or how long I might live. Once some certainty comes into the picture it might be easier to take. I doubt I will ever get that much certainty but I will be glad for some anytime soon. I can take the terminal situation, it at least has closure. But having it all up in the air, just absolutely maddening. The good news is I am one again pain free, no pain meds, full of energy and living life today. Taking one day at a time.