March 28

Getting real information about the disease is a problem. Nobody wants to discuss it at the daily level. It is very much like discussing pornography with the church. I want to know what complications I will face on a daily basis.

And more than that every body gets all touchy feely about support issues. Prayers, good vibes and so on. I can appreciate that, but what I need are people who have the intellect to discuss what they think about life and death, people who have the power to see the big picture in terms of passing on. I don't have a chance of surviving this unless some miracle happens, let's be honest and forthright here. If I talk about actually dying people consider me to be all negative. Death is the most likely outcome, let's address that outcome. I am not depressed, I am of course relieved of sorts to know my life has been settled. Because it has. No denying that.

My oncologist gives me 18 months if I have a good series of chemotherapy. Without it, less. With it possibly less, as a matter of fact. Truth is nobody knows, every case is different. Near as I can tell the metastatic consideration is makes it luck and circumstance in every case. Hell, cancer could start in some blood vessel and open it up like a tuna can in the next week. But nobody wants to talk about that possibility. Everybody wants to consider only the cute and fuzzy bunnies as if that were a real consideration. I tell people now that 'fighting' cancer is a silly term. You go for your chemo and accept the results because they are non-negotiable. That is not fighting, that is blind obedience. I am not accepting death, I am gathering information to have an intelligent outlook on a very dire situation.

Part of that is having a discussion on the spiritual aspects of how I came to this world, what I did and how I will exit this world. That would be more pertinent and productive than trying to cram life into some abstract concept of 'time left'. That's a pretty serious undertaking, doing something like cramming an abstract notion like time into an unpredictable length of something we have neither understood nor managed so very well during the 99% of our lives previously.

Clarity hit me like a freight train once all the pretense and notions of having ultimate control of my life were removed. I see the current sense of life as a bit of a travesty, mismanaged and ultimately a bit of a waste by most people concerned. People who screw up monthly payments and whine about service in restaurants. People who would go into shock if faced with the situation I am currently dealing with. I got past that stuff in a heartbeat. I'm the guy that inventories his weapons and supplies when faced with overwhelming odds while facing a homicidal adversary.