April 15

Today was another sleepless day. I have not slept much at all for three nights. Total maybe 4 hours of sleep. Damned condition keeps changing on me. Not bad enough I got to deal with volatile blood sugar levels and bouts of nausea and incredible pains, but now I cannot sleep. It really robs my day when I am so tired I can't think but too wide awake to even close my eyes. If I do sleep it is that jerky twitchy sleep that does not give rest, just really aggravating nightmares. Tonight I had to resort to a pain pill to just get rid of the headache.

Had my acupuncture today. Felt really good and relaxed for some time. I went to a couple of stores and walked around and noticed that I walk differently now. I noticed too that after losing all the weight I have to really think about what I am doing when I move. Losing 80 pounds changes so much about how your body feels.

I don't think too much about dying, I think a lot about what I am going to do when I get better and all the things I did in my life. I wonder whether I am going to die. I don't feel like this is the end for me, but I have to confess I don't really know how to imagine that. I feel like I have a unique situation where things that most people take something for granted as being a factor in lives just isn't for me. Take for example new clothes. I don't need any, at least not until I get my next MRI read, then maybe. Or new electronics or a new car, don't need 'em. I may not get much older. You would think not knowing or having any certainty would be a huge issue. Frankly, it isn't. Mostly I am preoccupied with not knowing what the hell just happened to my blood sugar level or why I just had that weird pain. Or tracking some issue back to when it started, or my personal favorite, filling out paperwork to get Social Security Disability. I have only been on chemo a week and it seems like forever. Every day is wildly different from the previous. Tomorrow they open my port and pour more noxious liquids into me, what happens afterward will be familiar.