March 24

The one time in a person's life when they can see things objectively is when they know they might die. It has sounded strange through all these emails and phone calls to talk about me dying. But I also have made some very calming realizations about life. I have started to drop all the interest in things that will go on after I leave, like the political news, and the problems of the world. I also see what the people around me do as a part of everyday life. With no pretense or ulterior motives things get pretty clear.

First, life is so very tenuous. At the drop of a hat things can change. People around you can go away, or you might miss the one chance you had for that far off goal because of some silly reason that makes no sense in the bigger picture. It is not so much stop and smell the roses, it is that first you have to see that you must plant the roses. Little actions we do everyday contribute to either our happiness and our demise. Or worse, I suppose, to the detriment of others. In the pursuit of our professional goals we lose sight of our personal goals. Our family must come first, and so do our friends and the people around us. What good does it do us to claw everyday for a professional goal that sacrifices the relationships we have and could have? Does a richer company contribute any more to our personal lives or to the common good? How many times is the riches a company attains siphoned off for the massive wealth of a few? I think maybe too much. And I think maybe the people we are around may be toxic to us while we work. The guy who insists that we work overtime or stretch ourselves to improve the lot of the company is really robbing us, and himself, because while we work so hard the opportunities of our lifetime slip away. But enough of the platitudes.

I have realized how the things that made up my life were arranged. I am not happy with some of those things, and I find myself happier with others. I never had a close relationship with my parents. More it was a terrible relationship between me and two people who never really wanted to know me. My boys and I never got to be that close, and lately even that slips away. My neighbor behind me has a poor relationship with his father and his family. Over the last few years he and I have grown quite close. We go shooting together, we work on our properties together and we eat together often. He and his wife are pregnant, expecting in September. He and I are going to rebuild a crib for their new baby. Last night when I told them the bad news he said "You can't die, you have a new grand baby to live for". There it was, when neither of us were looking, we had built a relationship not seen before that filled a void both of us had.

On the other hand, talking with Janice about what happened yesterday morning brought something out. I was slipping in and out of the anesthetic when the gastroenterologist was talking. I am scheduled for another procedure tomorrow to place a stent in my bile duct. What I missed was that the procedure is necessary so that I don't develop jaundice. If I develop jaundice I won't be a candidate for chemotherapy. They want to try chemo to see if they can shrink the mass in my pancreas. That appears to be the best hope for me to beat this cancer and get old enough to watch my new grand baby grow. I may live for several more years despite the odds. My neighbor and his wife both said that I was just too tough to slip away this easily. They both believe I can make this work. We'll see how it goes.