April 30

The chemo was not so bad today. I slept through most of it. Had some New Age on the MP3 and I had taken a chill pill. Done with that and home, piddled around a while and then snoozed. Took the preemptive pain pill and my other meds. Then test my blood sugars. Still good. Now now I am waiting for the chemo pains to come.

I have got to say some special words about my wife. She is just all over absolutely every aspect of this whole situation. She is taking care of the house like a full in house maid service. I never realized just how miserable bad I was at doing house work until she stepped in and demonstrated how the professionals do it. This whole house just sparkles and shines. She even feels better about it. And she is just absolutely on top of all my medical issues, appointments, prescriptions, and meals. Just a regular logistics sergeant. I could never hire help this good, and I need to tell the world how much I appreciate her.

I have been feeling better so I have tried to chip in and let her know I can help around the house. I need to watch and study to see a couple of things. First see how she does it, tactics and sequence, any little tricks. Then I need to learn how to integrate my help into her routine so she doesn't feel like I am invading her realm. Part of recognizing myself that I am changing my past to become my future, I need to see if I can do better the second time. Growing up as teenagers and learning how life works is seldom successful. The luckier people get a second shot at doing life. I picked this crisis to restart my life a second time around.

Another thing I am considering is how over the course of my life the joy and wonder went away. I have theorized that as we experience life we associate peripheral things into every memory. If you see a friend seriously hurt on a bicycle you might react by riding less and less until you don't ride at all. Of a car wreck may leave you with emotional and physical scars associated with cars or traffic that eventually hider how you live your life. I am going back through my life and trying to recognize what those peripheral associations are and see if I can release them to a more pleasant memory. What happened there cannot every be faithfully and accurately recreated and we forget that there are always circumstances that were in place at that point and probably those circumstances are now forgotten. Even the memories of the people that were there have either faded or changed. Maintaining a memory then can be an exercise in recalling near fiction. Yet retaining those memories is what makes the joy and excitement of life fade until it seems to be gone. If we put those memories where they belong and limit them to their bare essence, then the joy of the things around them maybe can come back. Slowly, and with a lot of care. I have the time for that care now. I need to build my new life I want to have.

I feel so good tonight, I am hoping that tomorrow can be just as easy. I could use some time to get some things done. May even get all macho and ride my motorcycle to the acupuncturist.