April 17

I have learned a lot of things during this time. An appreciation of things I took for granted and never really valued. I have learned that much of my life was formed by things external to my own intentions. I have some idea now of what my reaction to life has done to me and how I might go about correcting some of that.

First off, I never recognized the value of getting out of bed and knowing how I was going to feel the rest of the day. These days I get up and feel good enough. I enjoy the early morning, I go from room to room and enjoy the house and how quiet it is. I don't let the dogs out of their kennels until I want Janice to get up so they are not under foot. I sometimes go outside and feel the fresh air on my skin. I come into the office and read the news and some political commentary. I get bored and play some games and then I think about the day. I try to plan something to fill it up with productive activity.Then I remember my Nexium, I have to take it an hour before I eat and that usually means breakfast. I go take that with a little water. I return to the office and dabble with the computer, contemplate how I might turn my talents into a gold mine one day, just what endeavor is yet to be resolved. Then the first pains come. Just having water in my stomach is an issue these days. I return to bed to the comfort of the sheets and pillow. I lay there staring at the dark ceiling and let the pains come and go. These are minor, just reminders of the issues. I know it will be an hour before I eat, I snooze a little. When Janice is up and it is time for breakfast I get up again and prepare breakfast. It has to be high protein, low fat and low damned near everything else. We have a few words while I check my blood sugars and then inject the standard dosage insulin. Then inject the extra insulin according to a chart my doctor drew up. Then breakfast. A sandwich of eggs and Canadian bacon maybe, or just a scrambled egg meal with juice. A few minutes later the first pains come. One sharp one to introduce itself and then a steady pain that fills my gut. Any thoughts of getting anything done today are gone. Off to the bathroom to score two hydrocodon and then back to the comfort of sheets and pillow. Sometimes I put on some soft music to draw my attention away while I succumb to the pains. As the music gives my head something to get engrossed in the pains twinkle out one by one under the codeine and acetaminophen. Soon my brain is contemplating all sorts of lose associations with the music and the pain is now sitting in the corner annoyed that it cannot rule me with its pranks. So much for getting something done today. Today I will sleep and let my body heal. tomorrow I will plan another day that will likely end much as today. One day though, I will plan a day and I will take it through to sun down, just like I planned. Or at least something in the same general direction.

I have had my life end and yet not be over. I have a threat of imminent death that may yet be stayed. My heart says I will not die, logic and statistics tell me otherwise. Good thing I was never any good in statistics classes and by and large I don't believe in statistics anyway. Now I have a very odd and powerful conundrum. What to do to rebuild my life, what to do to focus my energy on something new that can bring me fulfillment and maybe some money, while disregarding the obvious annoyance of knowing that I might die before any of it comes to fruition. Prepare for life anew while under a death sentence. Not to mention restructure my life so that I can trust and love better than I have ever done before. Some serious Zen going on in that mix. I may have to write about it so I can understand it.